Kamaliz's Blog

Notes From The Sea
September 18, 2012, 12:38 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Savannah,
I don’t think you should worry about me anymore. I’m back at sea once more and I’m hoping it will do me good. It’s hard to explain what the breeze does for me, it cleans out my lungs and invigorates my spirit. I can’t thank you enough for your hospitality, all the same. You can’t imagine that a boy like me often gets to build mattress forts in the backyard, light a candle and tell scary stories. I know, I know, some of mine were scarier than they ought to have been. There is no such thing as a whale-sized shark. I will admit, now, that it was a tall tale, one meant to impress you and who knows what you’ll think of that. I can still see the lights that hang in drooping flower patterns in the town square and I remember that we ate some ice cream there one afternoon. Of course I want more experiences like that. Of course I want to share them with you. But I can’t seem to keep still for long, and anyway, I’ve got a responsibility to these men, they’re my family after all. But I’m sending this piece of rope. I went to throw off the casting ropes this morning and found that one had been knotted into an extraordinary thing, the likes of which I’ve never seen. I had the delighted feeling like seeing the stars in pitch black. I’ve been tying and untying the same knots for longer than I can remember and here was this mess of half-hitch and eights. It’s you, isn’t it? It almost worked. I had to slash through the thing with my knife, in order to jump aboard in time. Ever since you told me about this Swamp Thing, I find myself checking the shadows on the water at night. I’m certain we two shall meet again. Maybe this rope can hold us together until then.
-Julian, The Boy Sailor


Your Son’s “Vajazzles”
March 16, 2010, 2:07 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

To the parent or guardian of Liam Masterson:

It has come to the school board’s attention that there is a new trend among adults and sexually active teens to shave the genital area and have rhinestones placed in patterns upon it. While we believe that this is certainly a form of expression that may be healthy, there have been a number of concerning incidents of late, incited by these, what we hear are called, “vajazzles.”

The football team has taken to “vajazzling” the incoming freshmen and in a latest form of cruelty, have not used the proper rhinestone gum, but a rather harsh form of rubber cement adhesive, which has been the cause of an extreme rash that now affects 31 boys in the freshmen class. When asked about where they got this idea, your son, Liam, was was pointed out as the first to show off his “vajazzles” in the locker room.

In another rather gristly situation, we have a number of theater students here on campus, well-behaved, honor roll students, who have insisted on making this year’s spring production, a theatrical show entitled The Vajazzles Monologues. While we here at the school board fully support free-expression, our theater teacher Mr. Hart, has been put in a rather difficult situation as he is now in charge of 8 underage girls who are eager to regularly consult with him regarding their newly applied “vajazzles.” Again, when asked about the inspiration for this production, several (again, underage girls) reported having had “encounters” with your son’s “vajazzles” and finding themselves overwhelmed by their beauty.

Finally, we have fielded complaints from our custodial staff regarding an unnatural amount of pubic hair in student restrooms. It appears that students who have not received permission from their parents, have taken to “vajazzling” themselves and each other in school lavatories. This concerns the school board, not only because of the implication that the board promotes sexual activity among teens, but the safety hazards of genital shaving and rhinestone application in non-sterile, poorly lit bathroom stalls by, let’s face it, most likely, inexperienced students, are great. Additionally, there, recently, have appeared numerous “instructional” Polaroid photos of “vajazzled” genitals tacked to bathroom walls, all of which are labeled as your son Liam’s.

First and foremost we are concerned for the safety of each and every child at our school. While we cannot prohibit the wearing of “vajazzles” we can ask that they remain covered at all times on school property. We also ask that you, as a parent or guardian, please take an interest in the activities and influence of your son’s genitals, so that we may maintain a happy and healthy school environment.


The School Board

List #1: Unexpectedly good make-out songs
October 28, 2009, 4:31 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Mary Liz and anybody else who reads this, which is highly unlikely,

We are going to make some lists together. I like ML’s lists and I like lists. Here’s the first one. Sometimes are you listening to a song and it changes into something that would be good to make-out to? I am right now! Add it to this list.

a) Nobody Girl- Ryan Adams

b) Fake Plastic Trees

c) I Want You by Third Eye Blind (this one came on last night while I was writing in my journ and I’m just saying)

The Transplant
October 17, 2009, 3:15 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Arthur,

I’m writing to let you know that the transplant went well! I know you were worried about how I might function, now that I have a dog paw instead of a human hand, but I have to tell you that you’re going to love it. I can’t promise that I’ll get it right in bed the first time, but you’ve never seen such a terrified look on the face of a man who inteded to mug you. I can be very gentle with those tiny little pads on the bottom and they’re great insulation, perfect for supporting a very cold or very hot drink. Anyway, my wrist is certainly a little hairier and occasionally, I do feel the desire to “shake” but other than that it’s the same old me. I’ll be home on Wednesday and I hope that you’re able to accpet me for who I am.

With love and devotion,


Re: A Baby is Born
October 9, 2009, 6:32 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized


Congratulations on becoming a real man and turning your sperm into another real man!! I’m terribly sorry to hear about your lame excuse for a wife (what do you think, that they’re supposed to have a life?). I’m always around to take you out for a beer when a woman is trying to control your life and something tells me that even after she loses her pregnant heft, she’ll still want you running around doing stuff for her, like making peanut butter and pickle sandwiches at 3 am. You gotta stay strong and never relent! In any case, I think we outta start taking your son out with us to the bar. Babies in bars and strip clubs are all the rage and if he’s a ladies man like you say, I think I could cash in on a little of that action. I’ve been recently released from the shackles of marriage by Louise, who has left me to pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a man. I, too, was a little shocked, but it explains so much: her aversion to pergnancy, her inability to keep a house, her extreme dependency on beer. Plus it also explains why we got along so well in the beginning. Well, I gotta to mow the lawn and then find some more manly things to do. See you at the bar later!


A Baby is Born!
September 28, 2009, 10:18 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear friends,

Most of you know that Sarah and I tried so hard to get pregnant for years, and now everything has finally come through for us.  Sarah and I have birthed a beautiful baby boy.  We have decided to name him Hoover in recognition of our favorite vacuum cleaner brand.  Sarah has been a bit of a pill lately.  She complains about being tired, but don’t worry!  I wake her up whenever the baby is crying, and I am making sure that she stays on her feet to keep the dinner coming on my plate every night.  You have no idea how difficult she was in the last months, saying that she was so big, sweating, and claiming that I should make us food.  Sometimes women can be a little bit irrational.  She’s coming to her senses each day.  She no longer challenges me when I tell her to do the laundry.  I have a feeling that Hoover is going to be just like his daddy.  He already loves watching Sports Night with me.  The ladies seem to take to him too.  I  just wanted to thank you all for being so supportive of me in such a difficult time.  Larry, you in particular were so kind to make sure that I left the house each night when Sarah was pregnant, so I could get a break from the hormone overload and knock back a few brewskis.  Let me tell you that the night we spent at the strip club, and then with those girls after was so much fun.  Pregnancy can be really challenging, but we’re finally over it.


Re: One Last Thing
September 28, 2009, 10:12 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Elephant,

Say it isn’t so?  I have heard that the food they have been feeding us has been causing problems amongst some of the other animals in the zoo.  I just can’t believe it has caught up with you!  You have always been so strong.  Sure, sometimes you had extremely bad flatulence, but I always thought that was healthy among your kind.  I thought of you the other night as I sat down for my evening programs.  It seemed that the Disney channel had decided not to air That’s So Raven episodes, but opted to show an old classic called Dumbo.  Have you seen such a film?  Well, it warmed my heart.  Is it true that your kind loves peanuts?  It also made me think that perhaps one day a rhino might be able to grow large ears and fly away.  The zoo has taken its toll on some of my kind.  Dante does very little these days except sit in the mud pool.  I’m not sure what to do with him.  I tried to cheer him up by singing him our favorite Counting Crows song, but that didn’t even get a smile out of him.  I have heard that there are places where rhinos roam free, where children do not scream and call out for us to do flips…  I sometimes think of what it would be like to truly be free, but then I fear that we will never quite get there.  I am devastated by the news of your colon.  I do hope that there is some sort of way to help you.  I will pray to the rhino gods!  I will ask the primates to spread word to the whole animal kingdom here at the San Diego Zoo, and ask that they too pray.

My thoughts are with you.  Love,

Rhinosaurus Rex